i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
