My nipple is on Facebook.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
