So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
