Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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