i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
