I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
