Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
