i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
