Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
