I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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