guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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