You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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