i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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