I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
