I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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