I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
