I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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