I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
