oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
