I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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