hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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