i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
