my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
