He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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