i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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