god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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