seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just blew my weed a kiss
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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