Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so that wasnt chicken after all
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
