That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize