He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
