There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
