You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
