my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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