did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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