The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
