I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
