Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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