I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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