god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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