3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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