hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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