The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
