You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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