The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
