I faked an abortion last night.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
