I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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