masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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