mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
