Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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