Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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