Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
