the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
