Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
