i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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