Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
